Sunday, May 27, 2007

Money Mark Interview

Courtesy of Goose's Ganders and

George, Washington -- Money Mark was hands down the coolest guy at our picnic table. And that's saying something as both MCA and Mike D dropped by. In fact, we've decided he was the coolest guy at the Sasquatch Music Festival. Whether it was one of two sets with the Beastie Boys or his solo set at the Wookie Stage, Mark's infectious personality quickly took fans' minds off the elements and into the music. His music-ability sent fans grooving off into the cosmos. It was our pleasure to sit down with Money Mark this blustery Sunday afternoon, where instead of tickling the ivories, he tickled our fancy.

Mark's easy-going demeanor put us at ease from the start. We arrived at the picnic table where Mark was honking a hand-crafted clown horn at anyone within earshot. This modified instrument piqued our interest in his background, which he was happy to share with us. The son of a Japanese-American electronics wizard and Tejana songstress, Mark and his dad began tinkering with instruments from an early age. This began with his first Fender Rose and was evidenced today by the modified horn. He mentioned early influences such as Herbie Hancock.

During his solo set, his workman-like attitude and craftsman past bled onto the stage with a healthy DIY attitude. When he wasn't pounding out healthy grooves or busy laying down frenetic funk with his tailor-made gee-tar, he would look out into the crowd through his trademark sunglasses and crack a smile between breaths. Backed by a talented group of musicians, Mark's solo set had the crowd swaying even harder than the wind-blown trees from start to finish.

Mark's classic storytelling kept us rapt with tales from his varied past. He recounted growing up in South Central Los Angeles where he spent countless hours watching his musical heroes perform on Sunset Blvd. While standing at the urinal one night at the Rainbow Room, Mark noticed one of his musical idols peeing beside him. It was at this moment that he realized being a popular musician wasn't so far out of reach. And over the ensuing minutes, we realized Mark was just a normal guy like us. But with a clown horn.

We would have been remiss to conclude our interview without discussing Mark's most recent album and notably his inventive video effort for the single, "Pick Up the Pieces". Anyone who has spent a Sunday afternoon in Southern California has witnessed the artistry of a sign spinner. While Mark was taking a drive, he took notice and recognized the hip hop influence on the artistry of sign spinning. Mark's first inclination was to take a picture, quickly realizing this had the potential to be among the most inventive videos of 2007.

Before relinquishing Mark back to the Beastie Boys, he showed a profound respect for the power that comes with the microphone. He spoke of the positives and negatives that come with amplifying one's voice to the masses. He hopes his voice is one of poetry.

Were this a seven page spread for Rolling Stone or Spin, we would delve into the brilliance that is Mark's stage presence with the Beastie Boys. Do not miss your next opportunity to see the sporadic, commanding organ player for one of the most influential groups of our time.

Check out his new album Brand New By Tomorrow.

Interview by Danny Dancer & MJ

Tuesday, May 8, 2007

Tales from the Pit...

Urban Legend No More
by Eddie Blaylock

Archived blog from the award-winning Goose's Ganders.  

Indio, Ca -- Coachella was as wild a time as always. No birds in sight. I was endangered. Eighty-pound waifs were floating in their own vomit. It was quite early still and the angels of golden heat were singing upon the throngs. I have seen it all.

Some people enjoy spending their vacation time inching towards a stage. Stretching to get within spitting distance of a monitor. Whilst traipsing this dense, desert crowd you come across a strange lot. Three dudes worked their way up next to me. They are the type with scowls on their faces, yet dressed like a Hollister ad. One was wielding a large magnifying glass. Either he was a Hardy boy or insect collector. What was in his other hand? A pipe full of chronic, of course. One person offered a lighter. "No no," he replied. Matches? "No thanks." Now, in my time I have seen a lot of stoner Rube Goldberg contraptions. This was the first time I have seen someone smoke a solar-powered bowl.

I had to observe second hand (no pun intended) as this young gentleman attempted to chief not 15 meters from a security guard. The guard was paying no attention, so this lad had plenty of time to attempt his feat. He tried two or three times, appeared frustrated, flailed his arms wildly in an attempt to find the most intense light, and looked at me as if I was from another planet when I asked if he had attempted this before. Finally, like Tom Hanks in that volleyball movie, he was successful in his search for fire. He lifted the crystal-clear glass pipe to his lips and inhaled.

I asked this fellow if I could take his picture (for historical purposes). He impolitely declined. I wanted to take this picture, but it was hard to be bold without a goose in sight. These were some mean dudes. Not the cool guy you would expect to smoke herb with the aid of a magnifying glass. I shot him anyway. You just got blogged.

Monday, May 7, 2007

Open Letter to Larry the Cable Guy

Well well well, if it isn't old Laurence the Cable dude back in the cinema. Now he plays an American soldier left for dead in Mexico with DJ Quals. "Larry" has been on all the American chat shows hawking this visual trash lately, so I thought I should dust off a letter my dear friend David Cross wrote the "Southern comic" last year. I hope you enjoy.

(Side note: this posting has nothing to do with MY cableguy. I had a Comcast serviceman come and fix my cable and Tivo a couple days ago. Larry, the large African-american cable guy, was awesome. He fixed everything, navigated my messy bedroom without a word, and was quite polite. In fact, he got-it-done so well this blogger made a call to his superior in high praise. Keep it up Larry!)

(Nor does this letter appear in response to The Cable Guy's Chip Douglas, who is also named Larry. These things always come in threes!)

By David Cross

(taken from David's Corner on

Hi everybody!

The following is a letter I wrote after picking up Git-R-Done - The Larry The Cable Guy Story (ghost written by Susan Sontag). I have to warn you that it's nearly 11 pages long. But I think it's chock full of life lessons for all of us and if you're not careful... you just might learn something!

An open letter to Larry The Cable Guy:

Hello Larry,

It's me, David Cross. Recently I was shooting something for my friends at "Wonder Showzen" (the funniest, most subversive comedy on American T.V. at the moment) and when we were taking a break one of the guys on the show asked me if I had seen some article in something somewhere wherein you were interviewed to promote your new book "Please-Git-R-Done" (published by Crown Books $23.95 U.S.) and they asked about your devoting a chapter to slamming me and the "P.C. Left". Since I stopped following your career shortly after you stopped going on stage wearing a tool belt with cable wrapped around your neck (around your appearance at "Laffs 'n' Food" in Enid, Oklahoma Aug 23-26 1999?) I said I wasn't aware of the article. They went on to tell me that you said basically (and I am not quoting but paraphrasing their recall) that I could kiss your ass, that I've never been to one of your shows (true) and that I didn't know your audience (untrue).

SO, I went and got your book, "Gitting-R-Donned", and excitedly skimmed past the joke about that one time you farted and something farty happened, on past the thing about the fat girl who farted and finally found it, . Well, needless to say I farted. I farted up a fartstorm right there in the Flyin' J Travel Center. I fartingly bought the book and took it home with an excitement I haven't experienced since I got Bertha Chudfarter's Grandma drunk and she took her teeth out and blew me as I was finger banging her while wearing a Jesus sock puppet in the back of the boiler room at The Church of the Redeemer off I-20 (I don't care who you are, that's funny.)

Anyhoo, I got home and read the good parts. It seems that you were pissed off at Rolling Stone magazine, and I can understand why. You made some good points in your argument as well. I agree that there is an eliteism and bias in the press and too often a writer will include asides to show the readers how smart he or she is and how "above it" they are. But come on! Surely you can't be surprised, or worse, hurt or offended by this. You even say in the book that you knew what you were getting into (Rolling Stone being all "lefty" and whatnot). Certainly I'm not surprised that they took a ten minute phone conversation with me and chose to print only the most inflammatory paragraph within it. That's what they do.

But I want to address some of the things you write about me in "Git-to-Gittin'-r-Done". In response to the Rolling Stone article, but first let me say this; you are very mistaken if you think that I don't know your audience. Hell, I could've been heckled by the parents of some of the very people that come see you now. I grew up in Roswell, Georgia (near the Funny Bone and not far from The Punch Line). The very first time I went on stage was at The Punch Line in Sandy Springs in 1982 when I was 17. I cut my teeth in the south and my first road gigs ever were in Augusta, Charleston, Baton Rouge, and Louisville. I remember them very well, specifically because of the audience. I remember thinking (occasionally, not all the time) "what a bunch of dumb redneck, easily entertained, ignorant motherfuckers. I can't believe the stupid shit they think is funny." So, yes, I do know your audience, and they suck. And they're simple. And please don't mistake this as coming from a place of bitterness because I didn't "make it" there or, I'm not as successful as you because that's not it at all. Since I was a kid I've always been a little over sensitive to the glorification and rewarding of dumb. The "salt of the earth, regular, every day folk" (or lowest common denominator) who see the world, and the people like me in it, as on some sort of secular mission to take away their flag lapels and plaster-of-paris jesus television adornments strike me as childishly paranoid. But perhaps the funniest (oddest) thing in your book is you taking me to task for being P.C. Have you heard my act?! I'll match your un-P.C.ness any day of the week my friend. I truly believe, and have said onstage amongst other things that, orthodox Jews are bar none, the most annoying people, as a group, that walk this earth. I absolutely refuse to say the term "African-American". It's a ridiculous and ill-applied label that was accepted with a thoughtless rush just to make white people feel at ease and slightly noble. I also believe that in the right setting that, as unfortunate as it may be, retarded people can be a near constant source of entertainment (fact!). Larry, whether northern, southern, straight, gay, male, female, liberal, conservative, Christian or Jew, I've walked them all. It didn't matter if it was a room full of "enlightened" hippie lesbian wicans at Catch A Rising Star in Cambridge, MA or literally hundreds of students at the University of St. Louis (a Jesuit school) or a roomful of the cutest, angriest frat boys in Baton Rouge all threatening to beat me up, I un-P.C.'d the shit out of them. That's another thing that bothers me too. I honestly believe that if we had worked a week together at whatever dumb-ass club in American Strip Mall ..298347 in God's Country U.S.A and hung out that week and got good and drunk after the shows, that you and I would've been making each other laugh (I imagine we would have politely disagreed on a few things) but not only would we be laughing but we'd often be laughing at the expense of some of the audience members at that nights show and you know it. I'll address your easy, bullshit sanctimonious "don't mess with my audience" crap further on. But for now, let's "Gittle-R-Ding-Dong-Done!"

Okay, here's what I said in the RS interview: "He's good at what he does. It's a lot of anti-gay, racist humor -- which people like in America - all couched in 'I'm telling it like it is.' He's in the right place at the right time for that gee-shucks, proud-to-be-a-redneck, I'm-just-a-straight-shooter-multimillionaire-in-cutoff-flannel, selling-ring tones-act. That's where we are as a nation now. We're in a state of vague American values and anti-intellectual pride."

You took umbrage at my calling a lot of your act anti-gay and racist and said that "...according to Cross and the politically correct police, any white comedians who mention the word 'black' or say something humorous but faintly negative about any race are racists."

Well, first of all, your act is racist. Maybe not all the time, but it certainly can be. Here, let me quote you back, word for word, some of your "faintly negative" humor and I'll let people judge for themselves.

Re: Abu Ghraib Torture -

"Let me ask some of these commie rag head carpet flying wicker basket on the head balancing scumbags something!"

Re: Having a Muslim cleric give the opening prayer at the Republican Convention -

"What the hell is this the cartoon network? The Republicans had a muslim give the opening prayer at there (sic) convention! What the hell's going on around here! Is Muslim now the official religion of the United States!... First these peckerheads ( Ironically, "peckerhead" was a derogatory word slaves and their offspring used to describe white people) fly planes into towers and now theys (sic) prayin' before conventions! People say not all of em did that and I say who gives a rats fat ass! That's a fricken slap in the face to New York city by having some muslim sum-bitch give the invocation at the republican convention! This country pretty much bans the Christian religion (the religion of George Washington and John Wayne) virtually from anything public and then they got us watchin' this muslim BS!! Ya wanna pray to allah then drag yer flea infested ass over to where they pray to allah at!" End Quote. So... yeah. There you go. This quote goes on and on but my favorite part is when you say towards the end, " look, I love all people (except terrorist countries that want to kill us)..."

There are numerous examples and I don't think I need to reprint any more. You get the idea. Oh, what the hell, here's one more - "They're dead, get over it! Poor little sandy asses! I'm sure all them dead folks'd they'd killed give 40 shekels or whatever kinda money these inbred sumbitches use, but I'd give 40 of 'em whatever it is to be humiliated instead of dead!"

Okay Larry The Cable Guy, I will ignore the irony of a big ole southern redneck character actually using "inbred" as an insult, as well as the fact that a shekel is currency from Israel, the towel heads sworn enemy. But at least you're passionate about what you see as inhumane injustice (not on a global level of course, but on a national level) and the simple black and white of what's right and what's wrong. It's kinda like you're this guy who speaks for all these poor, unfortunate souls out there who wear shirts with blue collars on them, work hard all day to put food on the table for their family (unlike people who wear shirts with white collars or wear scrubs or t-shirts or dresses or costumes that consist of flannel shirts with the sleeves cut-off and old trucker hats) and pray to the American Flag of Jesus to protect them from the evils of muslims, queers, illegal immigrants, and the liberal jews who run Hollywood and the media. I guess one could say that you're "telling it like it is". And considering the vast amount of over-simplification you employ to describe with sweeping generalizations, all of America and the World that "don't make no sense to you", as well as your lack of sensitivity, and second grade grammar, one might be led to think that you are somewhat proud of not appearing (or being) too intellectual. Combine that with your sucker appeal to the knee-jerk white Christian patriot in us all who would much rather hear 87 fart jokes than hear a joke in which the President (the current one, not the last one) or the Pope, or Born-Again Christians, or Lee Greenwood get called on their shit for being the hypocrites that they are, and I think we've got a winner!

About being Anti-Gay. I honestly take that back. I do not think that you are anti-gay, I didn't choose those words wisely. Your stuff isn't necessarily anti-gay but rather stupid and easy. "Madder than a queer with lock jaw on Valentines Day." That's not that funny, I don't care who you are. It's just sooo easy. I mean, over half the planet sucks dick so why gays? Why not truck stop whores, or Hollywood Starlets or housewives? Because when you say "queer" you get an easy laugh. End of story.

As for being a multi-millionaire in disguise, that's just merely a matter of personal taste for me. I do not begrudge you your money at all, it is sincerely hard earned and you deserve whatever people want to give to you. What sticks in my craw about that stuff is the blatant and (again, personal taste) gross marketing and selling of this bullshit character to your beloved fans. Now look, if someone wants to pay top dollar to come to one of your shows and then drop a couple hundred more on "Git-R-Done" lighters and hats and t-shirts and windshield stickers and trailer hitches and beer koozies and fishing hats and shot glasses etc, then good for you. I just think it's a little crass and belies the "good ole boy" blue collar thing you represent. But that's no big deal.

Now, as for the last statement that "We're in a state of vague American values and anti-intellectual pride."

Well, I think that's true. When you can rally the troops (so to speak) with a lazy, "latte drinking, tofu eating" generalization of Liberals and "Back ass rag fags" to describe Arabs, then, yeah, I think that falls in the "ignorant" category. I think that with even the slightest attention to the double standard and hypocrisy of both the Left and the Right in this country (if not all of the Christian Extremists as a whole) coupled with the bullshit they lazily swallow and parrot back while happily ignoring the gross inhumane treatment of those that aren't them so that we may have cheap sneakers and oil and slightly less taxes (although I'm sure the bracket you're in now gives you a ton of tax money back), then you could maybe see my point. Now here's the best part - in your book you preface the above quote by saying, "...but I guess I'm not as intellectual as David Cross. In that Rolling Stone article, he sure showed us what a deep thinker he is by sayin' "America is in a stage of vague intellectual pride." Jesus Christ can you even fucking read?! Whoever read that article to you butchered the actual quote. The quote that was right fucking in front of their face! I would fire your official reader and have them replaced with a Hooters Girl who doesn't fart. That way you have something nice to look at while you are getting your misinformation.

As for "anti-intellectual pride", that is Larry The Cable Guy in spades. Let me quote you again (from an on-line interview, "I consider my jokes to be very jeuvinille (sic). Stuff a 14 year old would laugh at because that's the ...sence (sic) of humor I have.". Hmmm, okay. That was easy.

Well, I suppose I've already covered part of that in the above. But you also specifically dumb down your speech while making hundreds of purposefully grammatical errors. How do I know this? It's on page 17 of your book wherein you describe how you would "Larry" up your commentaries for radio. What does it mean to "Larry" something up? Take a wild guess. The reason you feel the need to "Larry" something up? Because you are not that dumb. I mean you, Dan Whitney, the guy who's name the bank account is under. You were born and raised in Nebraska (hardly The South), went to private school and moved to Florida when you were 16. This is when you developed your accent?! Not exactly the developmental years are they? At age 16 that's the kind of thing you have to make a concerted effort to adopt. Did you hire a voice coach? Or were you like one of those people who go to England for a week and come back sounding like an extra from "Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels"? As you said yourself in an interview once, "I can pop in and out of it pretty much whenever I want". In your book on page 89 you say in reference to the "gee-shucks" millionaire comment, "...see, to his (David's) mind, bein' well paid means I'm no longer real and I can't be a country boy anymore. It's just an act." Hey, it's always been an act! That's my fucking point! You admit it yourself so cut the indignation shit. And I am in no way deriding your work ethic. You clearly have more fart jokes than most and for that I applaud you. You go on to talk about how hard you work and life on the road and living on Waffle House and blah, blah, blah. Yeah, I get it, we’ve all been there and played shitty, degrading gigs and sacrificed etc, etc. Then you say, "...this (the personal attack) was different because David basically hammered my fans in that RS article by implying that they were ignorant. He crossed the line when he railed against them, so I had to tell ya what I felt about that. He can hammer me all he wants, but when he screwed with my fans, it was time for me to say something." Aww, that's so sweet and egregious. I can't stand that fan ass kissing bullshit. You and Dane Cook ought to get together and have a "my-fan's-are-the-greatest-people-on-earth-and-that's-why-I-do-this" off. You could both sell a shit load of merch too. But having said that, I would truly love to get some of your fans and my fans in a room together to debate some of the finer points on comedy, music, culture, the issues facing our country today and just about anything else we might find worthy of discussion. My fans are pretty smart as well. They are also, I imagine, as "hard-working" as your fans. Not all of them of course, but most. And I'm sure that they may come up with some genuinely interesting, insightful points (and would do so without spouting a bunch of meaningless Christian platitudes). And if you really, truly want to respect your fans, lower your ticket price as well as the price of your ubiquitous merchandise. I'm sure all those hard-working Americans could use the extra money now that the budgets are being cut drastically from Transportation, Education, Health and Human Services, HUD, Dept of the Interior, EPA, Farm Service Agency, FEMA, Agricultural, FDA, VA, FDA, FHA, National Center for Environmental Health, and numerous other departments and agencies that they might directly rely on for help. All so that we can pay off this massive tax cut during "war" time that we're all getting (them not so much though). Oh well, that's just one of those "political" things that I think about occasionally.

Anyway, I just wanted to address the stuff you wrote about me and clear some things up. Mostly the air around here... I just farted!!!!!


David Cross

Tuesday, May 1, 2007

You must visit the blogs of my friends

Underneath my picture are three blogs I highly recomend you check out. I will detail them below:

Gooses Ganders. This wonderful website cares not to review concerts, events, and American culture, but rather LIVE it all through the blogosphere. A must read. "Goose" is one of my best friends in the whole world. One of the best concertgoers in the nation.

On Life and Lybberty. He will hook you. You may not always agree with writer Jacob Lybbert, but he will educate you. Once you have been schooled, you can tell him he is full of shit. He reads his comments and they are often lively. Mr. Lybbert was my debate partner/teammate in high school. A graduate of BYU, he is currently working on a MA in Modern History at UCL in Cambridge.

The Ill Quill. This delightful little blog will quickly become one of your favorites. Written by my roomate at University, I have wasted countless hours on his site. Nick is the nicest guy you will ever meet, and it shows in his blogwork. He mixes witty ideas, cartoons, and poetry with ease. Take a minute to review his work next time you have a free minute.

Addition (Tuesday, May 8th)

keyed in. This blogger continually amazes with thought-provoking multi-media art straight outta brooklyn. How did I leave him off my earlier list? Emoticon. Bengt Robert Asplund III has long been a copywriter in NYC, a personal friend much longer. Bengt will always score my praise and I consider him one of the brilliant young minds of our time.